Perfection
by harrypottergleek97
Summary: Just some Dan and Phil :)
1. Chapter 1

**Perfection **

**Chapter 1: Scarred **

Dan looked at his wrist, looked at the criss cross of scars, some more pink than others. They were the recent ones. They were the ones that had contained real release. He was nervous, his leg jiggling up and down. He heard Phil's voice through his bedroom door. "Dan, your family just called. There nearly at the station." Dan pulled his sleeve down quickly before exiting the bedroom.

He stood at the platform, waiting. He had invited his parents and brother to come down for a meal out in London, and he had to pick them up from the train station. He was getting a few funny looks, but he ignored them. He probably did look very weird, wearing a suit in a train station. He almost laughed, but he managed to contain himself. There was a reason he had invited them, and it was driving him into hysterics.

He remembered being the same when he had told Phil. He laughed a lot when he was nervous, and he was laughing at everything that day. Eventually he realised that Phil knew something was up, and he'd had to do it. They were both sat on the sofa and Dan had just said it all in a rush, desperate to get it over and done with "Philimgay" Phil looked at him an eyebrow rose "In English please?" Dan laughed hysterically, and Phil's eyebrow rose higher. Dan took and deep breathes and said it again. "Um, Phil. I'm gay." Phil shrugged his shoulders and replied with a simple "Ok" Dan had stared at him for a while in wonder, he couldn't believe it had been so simple. The only sign Phil had given that he even questioned it was about an hour later. "Dan. I was just wondering, how do you know? Did you realise because you liked someone or…." Dan nearly told him the truth, but he couldn't. He had just replied with "Erm… I guess, I dunno. I sort of liked… someone." He had seen Phil's look of interest and said quickly "That was a long time ago. I haven't spoken to him in ages. You don't know him." Phil smiled at him before turning back to the TV. The only other thing that was memorable about that night was when Phil took Dan's hand in his and squeezed it gently. He had almost told him, but he couldn't.

He was now facing up to doing the same thing with his family. The train pulled into the platform, and Dan took a deep breath before walking forward to greet his family.

The menu had gone quickly. Dan hadn't eaten much, just played with his food. He hadn't said much either, just listened to his dad brag about bets he'd one and how proud he was that Dan's brother was doing so well on the schools rugby team. This made him smile, remembering his dad trying to get him to try out. He'd lied, said his school didn't have one. His brother was definitely his dad's son through and through. He was the son his dad could be proud of, not Dan. He knew that for a fact, his dad had told him enough times. He shivered slightly, remembering hearing his dad tell a work friend over the phone that he only had one son. That had been the first time he… he cut. Now they were parked outside the train station. Dan had gotten them there early, making sure he had enough time to do it. They were sat in silence and Dan wondered why. He looked up from the steering wheel, and saw that everyone was staring at him. Someone had obviously asked him a question. "Oh, sorry" he murmured, and his dad laughed loudly, a deep, bellowing laugh. He smacked him hard on the shoulder before saying "Got a girl on your mind, eh son?" Dan smiled slightly before saying "No, actually. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I like someone." His mother gushed "Really? Oh Dan, why didn't you invite her?" Dan smiled even wider, imaging their faces if he'd turned up hand in hand with Phil. That was never going to happen though. He found himself speaking without even really knowing what he was saying "That's the thing, it's not a girl" His mother leant back in her seat, and everyone was silent for a moment. "I'm gay" he said quietly. That was what set it off. His mother clambered out of the car without another word, and his father followed, but not before spitting out one word that felt like a punch to the gut.

"Faggot"

It took Dan a moment to realise his brother was still in the car. "You better catch up with mum and… and dad" he said quietly. His brother leant forward and whispered "Sorry", squeezing Dan's shoulder, before leaving and following their parents. Dan sat on his own for a while, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to go home and face Phil straight away. He found himself absentmindedly rubbing his arm, and he realised what he wanted to do. He didn't keep any razors in the car, he hadn't since he and Phil had started sharing it. He didn't want Phil to find out, and he was always extra careful. He felt into his pockets. He hadn't even paid attention to the cost of the dinner, but thankfully he had enough money to get what he needed. A cheap razor. He drove quickly to the nearest shop, and used a self service till so he wouldn't have to make awkward conversation while the cashier wondered why he was buying a razor. He found himself back in the car, ripping the razor out of the wrapper. He looked at his arm, and put it down again, raising the other one. The one free from scars. He had managed to convince himself that what he was doing wasn't that bad, it wasn't real self-harm as long as he kept it on one arm. He hunched over and set to work.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Best friends **

Dan had gone too far. It had stopped being a release, it had just become painful. He couldn't even look at what he had done to his arm. He had just been so angry! They were his parents, they were meant to support him. They were meant to love him no matter what. "Ha." He said under his breath. His dad had never loved him, even before today. Somehow he managed to drive himself home. He stumbled through the door.

Phil turned his head as Dan came through the door "Hey, nice me-" he stopped. Dan was trembling, his arm held slightly forward. His mouth was set in a straight line, and tears were brimming in his eyes. As Phil watched, a tear spilled onto Dan's cheek, and all of a sudden he was on the other side of the room, hugging Dan, who let out a yelp of pain. "Dan? What's wrong? What happened?" he asked, panicked. Dan was sobbing now, and he tried taking deep breathes to calm himself down, to talk, to reassure Phil that he was fine. He couldn't talk. Instead, he just held his trembling arm out a bit more. He couldn't believe he was doing this, Phil would be disgusted.

Phil looked at Dan's arm, and noticed a trickle of blood escaping the sleeve and running down his hand. He tried not to hurt Dan as he slowly made him remove his jacket. When it was off, Phil could see that the whole arm of his shirt was stained red with blood. He had never told Dan, but he really didn't cope well with blood. He took a deep breath, and slowly pushed up Dan's sleeve, never removing his eyes from Dan's face. He could tell Dan was doing his best not to wince, but it was obvious to Phil he was in pain. He couldn't look at his face anymore, to see him in pain was the same as Phil being in pain himself. He couldn't bare it. He wanted to take away whatever was hurting the boy he loved, but he had a feeling that Dan had done this to himself. He took another deep breath, and he looked down at Dan's arm. He couldn't make out the separate wounds, there was too much blood. Phil didn't care about the blood anymore though. Dan had done this to himself, and Phil had to accept it. He didn't say anything. He looked Dan in the eyes again, and then moved away to find what he needed. He found the tissue and wet it under a tap. He grabbed a box of bandages and then ran back to Dan, who was still in the exact same position, his eyes staring into the distance. Phil wiped the blood away gently, but Dan couldn't help but hiss in pain. Phil winced at the noise, but carried on. One he was done, he could see clearly what Dan had done, and he felt all the breath rush out of him. He finally spoke "Oh Dan". He stared at the lines, making up a word. A word repeated over and over in the flesh of Dans arm.

Faggot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Phil's admission **

He had just lead Dan into his bedroom after wrapping his arm in the bandage. Dan sat down on the bed, staring at the floor, defeated. Phil sat next to him, waiting. Before Dan could say anything however, Phil suddenly was overcome with a bad feeling. It felt like his heart had plummeted into his stomach. He looked at Dan again, and realised what it was. Intuition. There was no blood on Dan's other shirt sleeve, but that didn't mean anything. He reached across Dan, and gently rolled up the other sleeve. He looked at Dan's arm for a while; his eyes following each cut, some still pink, others pale. How long had this been going on? How hadn't Phil noticed? Some friend he was. He suddenly felt so guilty. He went back to the sitting next to him. He tried to stay calm. Yelling at Dan was not going to make him feel better. "Dan. Tell me where the razors are." Dan stayed silent.

Dan couldn't tell him. They were stashed everywhere, and Dan knew Phil would just get more and more hurt as he collected each one."

"Dan. Tell me. I will search this entire flat if I have to, so just tell me."

Dan could tell he was being serious. He sighed; he knew there was no point in lying. If Phil didn't believe him, he would look through the whole apartment.

"The back of my underwear drawer. In a safe box under my bed. Bathroom cabinet, behind the x-box. Oh and under a towel in the airing cupboard." Phil walked around the house, finding each one. He walked back into Dan's bedroom, and put them in his lap. Dan looked up at him questioningly. Phil smiled slightly at the way his eyes widened whenever he was confused. "Do what you want. Keep them, throw them away." He knew this was crucial. Dan had to want to get better. If he didn't, Phil could throw them away, and he could just buy more. Phil couldn't watch him all the time.

Dan looked up at him, thinking. He wasn't sure what to do. Part of him wanted to keep them, but that part cowered under the part that was determined to make sure Phil didn't get hurt. But Dan had to mean it. Phil would know if he was pretending, and that would hurt him more. Could he do it? Did he want to? Yes. He wanted too, he just didn't think he could. But maybe… maybe with Phil helping he could. He stood up slowly and walked into the kitchen. He put them determinately in the bin, and walked quickly back to his room.

Phil watched him leave, and he could tell that Dan had decided to try. That's all Phil wanted, for him to try. Phil would do the rest of the work. He was not going to let Dan go through this on his own. He sat down as the wave of pride washed over him. He was proud of Dan; he couldn't imagine how hard this must be. He knew he had to show Dan something in return. Show him that he was here for him. Dan came back in, staring at the floor. He sat down next to Phil, who said, after a moment of silence. "Why?" He spoke quietly, and Dan knew that there was no way he wouldn't tell him. "Why what?" he replied "Why did I start? Why did I do it today? Why didn't I tell you?" Phil placed his hand In Dan's like he had that night, and said simply "Everything."

"I started because of my family, well, my dad really." He was surprised with how steady his voice was. "I just wanted to make him proud. I guess I still did, until today. No matter what I did, I never seemed good enough. He told people my brother was the only son he had. After that, I did it when I needed release. I wasn't very good with handling strong emotions. Sometimes it was good to just de-stress. I guess I thought I deserved it, in a way. I… I got worse lately." This was where he started to struggle, not wanting to hurt Phil "I was worried about… about being gay and I was having some thoughts about… people… I was struggling to cope with it." He explained. He knew that explanation wasn't good enough, so he started again. "I liked somebody, and there's no way they'd like me back. They're straight, and they're too good for me anyway." He took another deep breath and continued "I told my family today. My mum didn't say anything. She couldn't even stand to look at me. My dad" he stopped and glanced down at his arm and then at Phil. Phil smiled and nodded, ushering him to continue "He called me… he called me a faggot." He whispered quietly "I guess it just pushed me over the edge. I didn't tell you because" he swallowed. Here was his chance to tell him. "Because I didn't want to hurt you." Of course he chickened out. Phil smiled again and said "Dan. Why didn't you tell me about what made you want to do this to yourself in the first place?" Dan thought for a minute and said "I didn't think I was worth your time". Phil pulled him to his chest and they laid down on the bed. "Of course you're worth my time!" Dan sniffled, trying not to cry again. Phil rubbed circles on his back, trying to help him relax. He decided now was the best time to tell him, maybe it would distract him "Dan, your not on your own ok? Your dad was being an idiot, and if they can't accept you then they don't deserve to have you as a son. They're not worth your time. If anyone calls you anything like that again, tell me, because they can call me it too." Dan sniffed again and mumbled "What?" into Phil's chest. Phil sighed and said, without pausing "Danimgay". Dan chuckled slightly "In English please". Phil laughed to and said "Dan, im gay." Dan laughed again slightly "Nice joke Phil. It made me feel so much better" he said sarcastically. "It's not a joke" said Phil quietly. Dan stayed quiet for a minute before saying "Phil. I was just wondering, how do you know? Did you realise because you liked someone or…." Phil smiled slightly, knowing that this wasn't part of the joke. Could he really dump this on Dan now? He obviously didn't like Phil, why would he? It sounded like he still might have feelings for this other boy anyway. He couldn't add to Dan's burden, not today. Maybe he'd tell him another day, but not know. "No, I don't like anyone. I guess when you find yourself looking at boys in the street and thinking that they're beautiful… it's a pretty big hint." This wasn't a complete lie. He had been having feelings about Dan for a while, and they were out shopping one day and Phil was trying to figure out why he couldn't get Dan out of his head. He was watching him as the sunlight glinted of his hair, and it had hit him. He was beautiful. It didn't take long for Phil to figure everything else out after that. Dan mumbled into Phil's chest again "Phil… Thanks. Thanks for helping me" Phil smiled again and whispered "Anytime. You shouldn't worry about what people say to you. Your perfect."


End file.
